Monday, February 1, 2010

Dear Artsy Bohemian Girl: You are not unique, you are not an artist.

This is an open letter to every hipster, scene, emo, artsy, hippie, alternative, indie person out there,

That really expensive camera you have? It doesn't make you an artist.

Digital cameras come so fancy these days you can take a picture of feet and it looks artsy. Guess what? Thats not your talent. Its the technology of the camera.

Stop pretending like your camera is some sort of crutch that you can't leave the house without. You can, no one cares.

There are so many of you out there you have abolished the idea that what you are doing is somehow unique which is the way art is supposed to be.  Snapping a few poses of your friend in a weird outfit at an awkward angle with a nice camera and creating an album on facebook called "My Photography" (we all know at least one of these assholes) DOES NOT make you an artist either.  Does anyone remember that photography is true and studied form of art and that just like painting and drawing not everyone can pull it off? Sure you could probably push some paint around on a canvas and call yourself an abstract artist but you don't because you know better. So why bastardize photography?  I have actually studied photography in several college courses and even had a photo chosen for a gallery show but I still would not call myself a photographer. Why? Because I know I'm not THAT fucking good. In fact photography is so easy for people to access that you have to be even MORE exceptional than say a sculpture to be considered a true artist.

So NO, I won't be requiring your services at my wedding/baby shower/engagement photos. Because when that time comes I will hire a professional.  And NO being in a beautiful landscape and taking a picture of waves in the ocean does not make you an expert on perspective. It means you like fucking EVERYONE can take pictures of beautiful nature scenes and they will look nice.  And to qualify- not showering, being a man with lady hair, wearing undershirts and v-necks, wearing ray ban frames as glasses, American Apparel, listening to stupid music and drinking PBR- DO NOT MAKE YOU UNIQUE AND FOR SURE DON'T MAKE YOU AN ARTIST.

It also must be asked why so many of these people claim to "just be finding their way in life" but are usually college drop outs looking for a job?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

3 Days in Chicago and Already Man-Trouble...

First person my brother introduces me to is his ex-boss from the military who gets kicked out for drugs currently sleeping on a friends' couch playing "xbox" all day...very nice guy, already a bit suffocating though. Before he even met me he wanted to take me out to the Sears Tower and give the le tour de Chicago. Don't know him, nice intentions (I hope?). Oh boy, he's unemployed and wants to hang out and talk about past relationships, music, and desires in a future relationship. Aside from his smoking/cussing/needy/clingy tendencies he's enjoyable to hang out with, but he dropped some heavy hints he was interested. I dropped some pretty heavy hints by saying "I am repulsed by the thought of having to talk to the same person everyday". Deterrent? We'll see. I feel trapped because I have no car, he knows where I live, has my #, knows I don't have a job yet and don't know the area. He is very helpful, in fact tomorrow he is helping me get my boxes up the 3 flights of stairs, but dang! Don't know what to do, need to set some friggin' boundaries with this guy....

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dear Christian Right: PLEASE stop using e-mail!

So no one is my world is a crazy Christian right wing Republican sucubus. Because you know, I need sanity. But at my job I check our public account and in our public account this man named "Bill" sends us stupid fucking Christian chain mail and they all have the same format at they are all vaguely threatening.  They generally go like this:


(and then always)

Then there is a poem or something that is supposedly written by a child or a veteran or a Republican or an obscure celebrity. 

Usually it bashes minorities, muslims and other sorts.  It implies that Demorats are on a course to destroy America and its freedoms and that if don't agree with every word of this e-mail you hate America, veterans, the flag etc.  They usually will put in a picture or two of a woman holding a gun in a field or something like this:

And then the WORST part is the end guilt trip about passing on the message to everyone you know. It usually goes something like this:
I don't know about YOU but I would not feel comfortable not passing this one on. We pass on a lot of jokes but this is something that MATTERS.  Go ahead and do what you want but as for me I will pass it on to my 10 closest friends like a prayer. GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!!

GOD IS GOOD! Phillipians whatever whatever


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Shark Poem

White Tip, Black Tip
Watch out, the SNAP quick!

Teeth and jaws and power and might,
compels a man to shiver with freight.

Tiger Shark, Leopard Shark,
they will leave a mark!

Surround your body with plexiglass,
'cuz they will eat your a$$.

Hammer Heads and Great Whites
will swallow you with delight.

They will mistake you for a seal,

and eat you with zeal!

All the single ladies...

This is what happens when you give out your number...


I have a rule, more like a promise that I made to myself a long time ago that I would never give out my number to anyone I just casually meet when I go out.  This picture is exactly why I made that promise to myself. Apparently I needed a nightmarish reminder--a chill radiating down my spine of why you should NEVER give your number to someone when you go out...never again.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Are you OK?

I'm minding my business that day. I came to work friendly, but not social (keep in mind I work close quarters with 18-30 year-olds). Feeling peaceful and introspective I take the opportunity to leave the crew, finding refuge in sorting the training room. Inevitably someone comes in to see what's hopping with my project. As we talk, in mid-conversation they ask, "Hey, are you doing ok?" ....At once the beautiful day I thought was full of opportunity to marinate my thoughts and surprise myself with new revelations gets shut down. In a second I go from zen to hell pen as fire blazes out my ears. Through my teeth I say, "Yep". They get the hint and leave as my knuckles whiten, crumpling whatever papers I have in my hands. How could they think something's wrong?! I'm just fine. Everything's great! Then I come to my new revelation a lot sooner than I'd anticipated. I'm in a bad mood. Then it snowballs as I acknowledge they were right.....UGH!    

Rant: The Boy Who Won't Go Away

By Writer Numero 2

Let’s give a short intro to this…"A" and I dated on and off for 2 and a half years.  I met him at OSU through a mutual friend.  He was in Pharmacy school at the time and now he’s finishing up his degree at OHSU.  We were never “officially together” because he could never “offer me enough time,” because he was too focused on school blablabla.  Things were always great during winter, spring and summer breaks…then a midterm would come along and all of a sudden I didn’t exist, or he would get really frustrated with a test and he needed space.  The last straw was Valentines Day ’09.  So I applied to grad school in Arizona and here I am.  As soon as I left, though he started to “miss me.”  I would get text messages or IM’s on Friday nights...without fail “I kinda miss you.  I kinda wish circumstances were different sometimes.”  Oh that’s nice to hear 1,400 miles later.  Here are some other text conversations we've had:

 A: Sorry to wake you up.  Just wanted to say that despite the number of people I meet it still reminds me of all the things I liked about you.  Call me tomorrow if you get a chance.
Me: That’s a really shitty way of telling me you miss me, dummy.
A: Well it sounded more romantic in my head.
A: I legit miss you a lot.  Hit me up sometime when you get a chance.
Me: “Legit miss me?”
A: Legit
Me: Ok so why do you legit miss me tonight?
A: I don’t know wedding and couples I guess
Me: If only you went to more weddings when I was still around…
A: Do you still ever think about the idea of us?
Me: Try not to.  What do you think about?
A: I dunno I just see all this people being young and in love and getting and married and stuff and I kinda get jealous and think if there was anyone that could be me with it would be you.
Me: Me? Not all the people you’ve been “meeting”
A: You don’t have to be so sarcastic with me but ya I said it.  I guess sometimes I get flashes of how short life is and regardless of circumstances I want people to know they are important to me….I kinda feel like we might owe us a chance again sometime if we are ever in the same place.

By "if we are ever in the same place" he is so subtly implying that I come back to Oregon because he has a contract with Walgreens in Portland...  Never ceases to amaze me.  Wouldn't it be lovely to get a text saying “Hey, I’m sorry I fucked up so bad, you deserve better—good luck to you” or “I’m sending you a semi-truck filled with water to represent the tears you’ve cried over my sorry ass that I’m giving back to you.”  Nope, it’s always “I miss you, when are you coming back?”  Sometimes for the hell of it I’ll ask “When are you coming to visit…?” and his response is “Well my rotation doesn’t really give me a break”  Oh funny because it sounds like they give him a couple days off to get drunk at a wedding to text the one that got away.  Am I taking crazy pills?  Is this his idea of romance?

Ok, I know he should be cut off for good.  But let's face it: his weekly texts that so conveniently arrive on a friday or saturday night when he's intoxicated are so amusing.  "I legit miss you..." w. t . f .